Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Just a thought
Have you ever heard someone famous being asked "if you could go back and change something, would you?". The answer usually is "NO, because everything I've gone through has made me who I am today." Blah Blah Blah..... I'd say YES, I made mistakes that I wish I could back and do differently, because I didn't learn from them, I learned with time. Maybe if I could do things differently I could be a better person than I am today. I love the saying "with age comes wisdom", I think that is soo true. That's just my two cents!
Sunday, September 14, 2008
My letter from Cheri
My first letter from Cheri was a pretty long one with lots of tear drops on it. She told me about herself and her family, she is the oldest of 9 kids and has two sons. She had been divorced for a about 4 years and her oldest son was almost exactly one year younger than me and her youngest was 5 years younger than me.
After she had given me up for adoption she had started dating a guy that she knew and they were married 6 months after she had me. She had my brother Eric 6 months later.
She also told me that my grandmother had been pregnant with her 9th child at the same time she was pregnant with me. Her parents offered to raise me but Cheri felt it would be to hard on them to do that, her mom was having a hard time with this pregnancy. After she started showing she went away to a "home for unwed mothers", which she doesn't like to talk about too much, then she went back to her life.
Now the adult in me knows that was probably the hardest thing she ever had to do and the strength it took to do that was more than I would have had. But the child in me feels "how could she give me away!" There's a lot of child vs adult feelings that have to go with being an adoptee. My brain feels one thing and my heart another. I don't think that I will ever feel differently, it's been all this time and it doesn't go away. The child in me feels she took the easy way out, get rid of the problem and go on with life like nothing ever happened. As a women and mother I know that she couldn't help but think about me every day and the pain never went away. Having my brother right away only made her constantly see what she was missing in my life, first steps, first words. I wonder if my brother ever felt like he was a replacement when he found out about me??? My brothers were great right from the start, they were so happy to find out they had a sister and my brother Eric was actually the first one I talked to on the phone.
After my mom got married they moved to Arkansas then to Florida, so when "we found each other" she was living in Florida and me in Michigan. We kept writing to each other and finally I got up the nerve to call her on the phone, boy was that first time ever scary and emotional! After that first conversation we would talk to each other for hours getting to know each other. She told me her mom had died about 5 years earlier of cancer and that her mom had told her sisters that they needed to help Cheri find her daughter. Most of her family still lived in Michigan and she would visit a few times a year, they lived in a small town about 2 1/2 hours from me. This all started in September and we decided we would meet in person for the first time when she came to Michigan for Christmas........
After she had given me up for adoption she had started dating a guy that she knew and they were married 6 months after she had me. She had my brother Eric 6 months later.
She also told me that my grandmother had been pregnant with her 9th child at the same time she was pregnant with me. Her parents offered to raise me but Cheri felt it would be to hard on them to do that, her mom was having a hard time with this pregnancy. After she started showing she went away to a "home for unwed mothers", which she doesn't like to talk about too much, then she went back to her life.
Now the adult in me knows that was probably the hardest thing she ever had to do and the strength it took to do that was more than I would have had. But the child in me feels "how could she give me away!" There's a lot of child vs adult feelings that have to go with being an adoptee. My brain feels one thing and my heart another. I don't think that I will ever feel differently, it's been all this time and it doesn't go away. The child in me feels she took the easy way out, get rid of the problem and go on with life like nothing ever happened. As a women and mother I know that she couldn't help but think about me every day and the pain never went away. Having my brother right away only made her constantly see what she was missing in my life, first steps, first words. I wonder if my brother ever felt like he was a replacement when he found out about me??? My brothers were great right from the start, they were so happy to find out they had a sister and my brother Eric was actually the first one I talked to on the phone.
After my mom got married they moved to Arkansas then to Florida, so when "we found each other" she was living in Florida and me in Michigan. We kept writing to each other and finally I got up the nerve to call her on the phone, boy was that first time ever scary and emotional! After that first conversation we would talk to each other for hours getting to know each other. She told me her mom had died about 5 years earlier of cancer and that her mom had told her sisters that they needed to help Cheri find her daughter. Most of her family still lived in Michigan and she would visit a few times a year, they lived in a small town about 2 1/2 hours from me. This all started in September and we decided we would meet in person for the first time when she came to Michigan for Christmas........
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Meeting with social worker continued
So, I've read the letter, which really seemed a bit sugar coated to me. It was like he said things he thought I would want to hear, like how they were star crossed lovers that just couldn't be together. (Their being together was a one time thing.) He also told me a bit about my birth mother and some family information. The social worker asked me how I felt about the letter and all this new information. I just felt emotionally drained, it was so much to hit me at once after all those years of wondering and making up my own stories about them. I think that it's pretty common for adoptees to make up stories about their birth parents.
The social worker and I discussed what I would want to do now. She felt that Bill, my birth father, seemed a bit unrealistic about his expectations. She got the impression, from talking to him on the phone, that he felt he could just "be my dad", and wasn't taking everyone else into account. Bill has never been married and has no children besides me. She and I decided that he should at least let my birth mother know that he had contacted me and let her know that she could too if she wanted. We also decided that, for now, he should correspond with me through the adoption agency and not have my last name. LOIS, that was her name! Now I don't have to refer to her as the "social worker". Yeah! Any way, Lois would forward his letters to me and I would mail mine to him. I went home from this meeting just drained! I told my parents all that had happened and what we planned to do from here. I remember my parents were eating walleye for dinner! Strange what sticks in your memory.
My birth mom, Cheri, called Lois!
OK I have to admit I was most excited about this news! I had dreamed about finding my birth mom, don't get me wrong I loved my parents, but knowing there was this women who gave birth to me and was a part of me out there somewhere, I just had to know her!
She had a long talk with Lois and Lois told me Cheri was very emotional and cried a lot, just like me! Cheri told her that she was afraid I'd hate her and that's why she was putting off finding me but that she had always planned on doing it some day. She told Lois that she has two sons that she needed to tell about me then she would write to me.............
The social worker and I discussed what I would want to do now. She felt that Bill, my birth father, seemed a bit unrealistic about his expectations. She got the impression, from talking to him on the phone, that he felt he could just "be my dad", and wasn't taking everyone else into account. Bill has never been married and has no children besides me. She and I decided that he should at least let my birth mother know that he had contacted me and let her know that she could too if she wanted. We also decided that, for now, he should correspond with me through the adoption agency and not have my last name. LOIS, that was her name! Now I don't have to refer to her as the "social worker". Yeah! Any way, Lois would forward his letters to me and I would mail mine to him. I went home from this meeting just drained! I told my parents all that had happened and what we planned to do from here. I remember my parents were eating walleye for dinner! Strange what sticks in your memory.
My birth mom, Cheri, called Lois!
OK I have to admit I was most excited about this news! I had dreamed about finding my birth mom, don't get me wrong I loved my parents, but knowing there was this women who gave birth to me and was a part of me out there somewhere, I just had to know her!
She had a long talk with Lois and Lois told me Cheri was very emotional and cried a lot, just like me! Cheri told her that she was afraid I'd hate her and that's why she was putting off finding me but that she had always planned on doing it some day. She told Lois that she has two sons that she needed to tell about me then she would write to me.............
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
My birth father
OK so I couldn't help but wonder, what did he want from me?
The few days I had to wait to meet with the social worker my parents and I were a bit worried about his reasons for looking for me. Maybe he was looking for a way to get back with my birth mother, maybe he was a loser a needed money. I know that sounds pretty bad but I'd never heard of a birth father to come looking for his kid, they usually got involved after the birth mother contacted them, so I heard. My parents were worried too, I'm sure they had all sorts of bad scenarios going through their heads.
Well, the big day arrives, Steve (my now husband) and I drive to Ann Arbor to meet with the social worker. I was soooo nervous I can't even tell you! Unless you've ever been in that situation or something very similar I can't compair it to anything else. All my life I had ideas about my birth parents, mostly my mother, and now I was going to find out the truth.
The social worker take us to her office and she's very nice; I wish I could remember her name, maybe it will come to me. She sits us down and asks me how I feel about this and what my thoughts are. Of course I tell her I've been a bit worried about what he wants from me. She gives me a letter he wrote to me and I read it.
First of all it's addressed to Sara, which is the name my birth mom gave to me when I was born, then he tells me his story of my birth. He was a friend of the family and had a crush on my mom which he said she did too, she was 20 he was 29. It was labor day weekend and they were both at a party, they come from a very small town. She needed a ride home, he had a car, one thing led to another and here I am. They never dated, he was 9 years older than her and worked with my grandfather. If my grandfather had found out he'd probably been pretty pissed. So the story goes, my mom realized she was pregnant and went to tell him, somehow he thought she needed money for an abortion so he gave her a couple hundred dollars and she left.
Shortly after that he got a job in Tennessee. After my mom had me she contacted him and told him she had a beautiful baby girl and named me Sara and that a doctor and his wife had adopted me. (my dad wasn't a Dr, I don't know who said that) So that was that, life went on.
To be continued......
The few days I had to wait to meet with the social worker my parents and I were a bit worried about his reasons for looking for me. Maybe he was looking for a way to get back with my birth mother, maybe he was a loser a needed money. I know that sounds pretty bad but I'd never heard of a birth father to come looking for his kid, they usually got involved after the birth mother contacted them, so I heard. My parents were worried too, I'm sure they had all sorts of bad scenarios going through their heads.
Well, the big day arrives, Steve (my now husband) and I drive to Ann Arbor to meet with the social worker. I was soooo nervous I can't even tell you! Unless you've ever been in that situation or something very similar I can't compair it to anything else. All my life I had ideas about my birth parents, mostly my mother, and now I was going to find out the truth.
The social worker take us to her office and she's very nice; I wish I could remember her name, maybe it will come to me. She sits us down and asks me how I feel about this and what my thoughts are. Of course I tell her I've been a bit worried about what he wants from me. She gives me a letter he wrote to me and I read it.
First of all it's addressed to Sara, which is the name my birth mom gave to me when I was born, then he tells me his story of my birth. He was a friend of the family and had a crush on my mom which he said she did too, she was 20 he was 29. It was labor day weekend and they were both at a party, they come from a very small town. She needed a ride home, he had a car, one thing led to another and here I am. They never dated, he was 9 years older than her and worked with my grandfather. If my grandfather had found out he'd probably been pretty pissed. So the story goes, my mom realized she was pregnant and went to tell him, somehow he thought she needed money for an abortion so he gave her a couple hundred dollars and she left.
Shortly after that he got a job in Tennessee. After my mom had me she contacted him and told him she had a beautiful baby girl and named me Sara and that a doctor and his wife had adopted me. (my dad wasn't a Dr, I don't know who said that) So that was that, life went on.
To be continued......
Friday, August 22, 2008
family reunion tomorrow
Tomorrow is a family reunion with my birth mothers family. She is the oldest of nine so it's a big reunion at a Holiday Inn. I'll tell you all about it someday.............
I'll be back ......
I'll be back ......
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
In the begining......
My mom and dad got married for the first and only time at 32 and 41. In the 60's that was "late in life", so after a couple years of not getting pregnant they decided to try adopting. My older brother was adopted at 2 years old, then a year or so later my parents adopted me as an infant. Low and behold my mom got pregnant and had my brothers 1 1/2 years after adopting me, then came my little sister 5 years after me. Five kids! Yikes!
I had a great childhood, not perfect, but whose is. My parents never kept it a secret that my brother and I were adopted, they made us feel special. As I got older I became curious about my birth parents and my mom was not too thrilled to talk about it, even though she really didn't have much information anyway. When I became 18 I contacted the adoption agency and gave my permission to give out my information if my birth parents ever came looking for me.
Five years later.......I still remember coming home from my boyfriends (now my husband) on a Friday night and my mom tells me I had a phone message. She seemed a bit apprehensive telling me this. I called the number and it was the answering machine for the adoption agency..........and of course it's Friday night, after hours, so I have to wait the whole weekend to find out what this is about!!!!!
I knew the only reason for them to be calling was that someone wanted to contact me, I was on pins and needles. Monday morning I call, the social worker tells me that my birthfather contacted them and wanted to get in touch with me. Well, to be honest I never gave him any thought, I wanted to meet my birth mom. I just assumed he wouldn't feel much of a loss like I assumed a mother would.
I had a great childhood, not perfect, but whose is. My parents never kept it a secret that my brother and I were adopted, they made us feel special. As I got older I became curious about my birth parents and my mom was not too thrilled to talk about it, even though she really didn't have much information anyway. When I became 18 I contacted the adoption agency and gave my permission to give out my information if my birth parents ever came looking for me.
Five years later.......I still remember coming home from my boyfriends (now my husband) on a Friday night and my mom tells me I had a phone message. She seemed a bit apprehensive telling me this. I called the number and it was the answering machine for the adoption agency..........and of course it's Friday night, after hours, so I have to wait the whole weekend to find out what this is about!!!!!
I knew the only reason for them to be calling was that someone wanted to contact me, I was on pins and needles. Monday morning I call, the social worker tells me that my birthfather contacted them and wanted to get in touch with me. Well, to be honest I never gave him any thought, I wanted to meet my birth mom. I just assumed he wouldn't feel much of a loss like I assumed a mother would.
My new blog
I've started this blog to talk about my adoption reunion with my birth parents, my life with my adopted family and my life in general.
If you have any comments or questions please feel free to post to me.
Some background on me: I was adopted as an infant and have an older brother, also adopted, two younger brothers and a little sister (these 3 are biological to my parents). I met my birth parents when I was 23, 18 years ago. I've been married for 14 years and with my husband for 22 years. We have two beautiful daughters, 8 and 10.
I hope someone finds this interesting and maybe even helpful if you are going through a reunion yourself.
Celia
If you have any comments or questions please feel free to post to me.
Some background on me: I was adopted as an infant and have an older brother, also adopted, two younger brothers and a little sister (these 3 are biological to my parents). I met my birth parents when I was 23, 18 years ago. I've been married for 14 years and with my husband for 22 years. We have two beautiful daughters, 8 and 10.
I hope someone finds this interesting and maybe even helpful if you are going through a reunion yourself.
Celia
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
